There is a saying, ‘hurt people hurt people’. I find this far from the truth…. Some of us have been hurt so deeply by those we cared for and loved the most. Somehow, we still found compassion for those that physically and mentally have left scars on our hearts and bruises on our body.
Walking away from those we truly tried to give love to in a way that drained our spirits was not an easy choice. However, it was a choice of survival, not everyone gets to make. Some of us try so deeply to love the bits of an abuser that shows a glimmer of love that baits your forgiveness. That we lose ourselves. Some find strength to walk away from abuse…Some sadly unfortunately never do.
My story is like too many others, quickly fall in love with the one with a glimmer in their eye. The one that puts you on a pedestal at 1st, makes you feel alive. Slowly without even knowing it happens the shift happens. First little outburst, blaming you for this or that. Then the tantrums, flipping the house over because you were late from visiting family. Often an apology for the outburst…then apologizes stop. Rage starts to show, pushing you out of the way, throwing dinner literally at your face. At this point I became numb. I just went through the motions of each day. For almost 4 years I was ashamed to tell anyone or ask for help.
The rage in my case escalated in full abuse. Many times, different scenarios, head slammed repeatedly into the washer after I dropped to the floor in the fetal position. Held up against the wall with his hands on my neck, I went limp and he repeatedly kneed me in the face. During the last attack, my angels blessed me, two of my dogs attacked him giving me time to get away. I truly feel he would have killed me that night. It was in his eyes. This last time I finally found the strength to reach out for help.
If it wasn’t for another DV survivor sharing her story, I may have stayed until it was too late. I owe her my life in more ways than one. Her story inspired mine, and I hope to inspire someone else to break free from the pain.
Know it’s not easy at first, you doubt yourself, you worry about what family and coworkers may think. For an outsider who never lived through it, they may say why didn’t you leave the 1st time? Why didn’t you reach out for help sooner. For someone who never lived through it, they won’t understand how hard you tried to show love and compassion to someone who tore you down, mentally, physically and emotionally.
Just know there are people out there to help, support and understand what you are or went through. More people than you probably realize. Voices Against Violence was my saving grace…they truly blessed me with the tools I needed to get on my feet and rebuild the confidence, strength , and support to help me begin living again. A coworker who shared her story of survival and standing on her own that was the seed that was planted to give me the strength to break through the stigma that society places on abused women.
I am only 8 months safe, and I still have moments I look back discouraged and disgusted on how far and long I let it go. I could have not been here for my children, my family. For me it came to a close, and it woke me up to the things that are important in my life. Healing takes time, it is not easy. The hurt and confusion fades as you learn to once again stand on your own.