The person I was a year ago would have told you that she knew what love was, the person I am today
would tell you she was misled. She believed love meant staying even when the person she loved was
hurting her. She confused rage for passion. She learned too late that love is not possessive, self-seeking,
or easily angered. Love is supposed to transform you and add to your life. If you ever find yourself in a
position where someone you love is encouraging division among your support groups like friends or
family, know that love encourages connection not isolation. If this is as far as you read I need you to
know that love does not hurt.
No matter how much or how little, abuse is abuse and you do not deserve it. It does not matter if
you’ve made mistakes in your past or how many times you went back you do not deserve to be abused.
Chances are if you are reading this it was shared by someone you know or love who has experienced
this or knows someone who has, or maybe you have, maybe you are, maybe you know someone who is.
What many people don’t understand about domestic violence is that it is a battle ground, and the
abusers main reason for abusing is to maintain a sense of control and power over their victim. Their
moves are cold and calculated, they are deceptive and they do not play fair. I am not the same person I
was a year ago. I was abused mentally, physically, sexually, and financially maybe in more ways than I
have yet to acknowledge. An unfair truth is that though that damage was done by another person I am
the only one who has the responsibility to heal from it. If not for myself then for my children.
Thankfully I haven’t had to do it alone. There is help for you too. I felt hopeless and lost and broken. I
lost family, a sense of stability, and for a little while even one of my children. But I was determined to
survive and heal.
I felt like I was going crazy until I realized I was, stay with me now. When you keep repeating the same
things and you expect a different outcome that is the definition of insanity. I would set a boundary and
expect my abuser to have remorse and cease the abuse. He would love to bomb me and so the cycle
would begin again. I was in a constant state of fight or flight, and it didn’t click for me until an attorney
gave me a hard pill to swallow. To briefly summarize she said something along the lines of “I know you
love him, you have a child together you must, and your in pain and right now you want more than
anything for him to fix it because maybe you believe he is the only one who can, but you can’t accept
his help and if you do you can either choose between your child or him but you can’t have both”. At
first I was frustrated with her but quickly realized she was right. I believed he was the only one who
could fix it, but if he wanted to he would have. And you cannot be in love with someone you do not
know, and everything I thought I did know was a lie.
Here’s my advice, what you went through or are going through was not meant for anyone to go
through. It’s okay to be scared, it’s okay to feel the whole spectrum of emotions. But you need to heal,
you need to forgive. Forgive yourself for not knowing better, forgive the abuser and the enablers. I am
not saying overnight or to forgive and forget. But to save yourself the ache, put it down so you don’t
have to carry it. Love like a child, protect like a parent. Don’t let this pain break you, let it transform
you. I became so accustomed to looking for monsters, that’s all I would find. Sometimes when they
weren’t even there. Instead of looking for monsters I urge you to look for kindness and goodness.
Whether it’s in a stranger’s eyes or smile at the grocery store, or in the courthouse, the hospital, your
children’s school, the police station, the pediatrician, or wherever else this chapter in your life takes you
please don’t lose hope there are still kind people in this world. And if you can’t bring yourself to look
into someone’s eyes for that, look for it in a small child’s laugh, or the trees, or just the beauty in living.
Don’t close your heart off, heal LOUDLY, or heal quietly. You are the only one who knows exactly
what this has been like for you, but that does not mean you are alone. Your abuser may have made you
feel small, incapable, or closed off but that’s a lie they told you so they could contain you. You were
made for more than this. I had lost hope in the justice system, I felt alone and unheard. Voices have
helped me find my voice. When I was too weak to stand they held me up. Everything may have
crumbled down around you, but voices can give you a strong foundation to rebuild your life on. I have
found so much love, compassion, and comfort in my community. I will never forget the medic who
told me to call my family after I pushed them away for trying to help me see the danger I was in. She
was right, nothing was unfixable. And the police officer who told me not to avoid seeking help from
law enforcement because of one unfortunate experience. And the attorney who told me he would fight
for me and my children, not because it was his job but because he saw me and knew I was a good mom.
For the advocates of voices who supported me and listened and gently nudged me when I needed it.
For my brothers and sisters in Christ who have prayed over and loved my children and I in our journey.
For my God for giving me hope and a future, for showing me what love really is. I was never alone, I
just had not looked for the good. You are not alone either. Please know that you are enough, strong,
capable, and you will survive this chapter of your life. Speak life into yourself and know that you are in
charge of your life, no one can take that from you.
“I will do good, no matter what. No matter what happens to me. I will do good. No matter what happens
to me. It’s absolute rejection of the idea of being a victim. It’s like no matter how much undeserved
suffering comes my way. Undeserved and unjust, let’s say. In spite of my innocence. I will not lose faith
and I will do good.”
Jordan Peterson
We were not meant to be victims, but if we find ourselves in situations where we become one, we have
the power to become survivors instead. And you don’t have to do it alone