I still hate the word RAPE. It sounds so bitter when it crosses my lips. It makes my stomachache and my head and heart hurt. I usually use the watered-down version and call it sexual assault. (It’s the same thing, the same act). I married my rapist. To me he was both the poison that nearly killed me and the antidote to that poison. I know now that he is a narcissist. I understand what gaslighting is. I, in my rational mind, know how I fell for the toxic cycle of love bombing, gaslighting, threats (both verbally and threw text) and the physical violence (he used to call them punishments). I can clearly see the trauma bond. I can look back on that decade of my life and feel so much regret, so much pain he inflicted on everyone who loved me. My world came crashing down on a random Wednesday at 12:04 in the afternoon when I discovered that he followed through on his threat. The first thought I had was “everyone is going to know! I don’t know how I can cover for him on this” I realize now how insane that is.
I was instantly homeless, unable to work and had no possessions. What I did have was the love and respect of my community, and the help and compassion from voices against violence. It was a place to start….
From there I found help from a lawyer on my divorce and restraining order. I found a safe shelter and a place to just exist while I started to heal. I was treated like a survivor not a victim (that’s very important to me) . I am now three years later able to learn who I really am
Therapy has been so beneficial for me. I have learned that I enjoy being single. I never knew what that was like. I am grateful for the staff and volunteers at Voices. I honestly do not think I would be a survivor with all the support I received for them.
I do tell my story as a warning to others. If a partner threatens you, they mean it. It isn’t them blowing off steam. It only takes one moment of extreme bravery to save your own life and make the call to voices. I know it feels impossible, but I promise it’s not. You too can stop being a victim and start being a survivor. The help is there! A community of caring is just a phone call away. Today, choose yourself!